Leaf caught in tree

Leaf caught in tree

I’m having a crisis of faith with this year-long assignment.  Everyone else in the world has been making resolutions yesterday and today.  They’re bright eyed and optimistic and enthused.  Today is New Year’s Day and they’re sure they’ll get it right this time. 

I’m almost two weeks into this adventure and suddenly the glow looks less rosy.  In fact, I want to know where this crazy idea came from anyway.  What was I thinking?  It all seemed so easy back then….just go outside everyday and write about it.  Oh, and take pictures.  Won’t it be fun?

Actually, the going-outside-part isn’t the challenge.  Neither is the picture-taking sidebar.  What is proving the most challenging is the one part I looked forward to the most:  writing this blog.  That which seemed the easiest is actually proving to be the most demanding.

And why? you ask.  First, because my “true love” has always been writing about ideas and relationships, concepts and ponderings.  It’s usually at least a few degrees removed from physicality and the Earth.  I could write a somewhat interesting blog about, say….enlightenment…..or loving people….but what in the world can entertain people for 365 days about the angle of a leaf captured in the crevice of a tree?

Therein lies the rub.  I think I’m going about this all wrong.  There’s a part of me that doesn’t care two hoots if anyone is reading this at all.  There’s another part (my numbers loving side) that checks the stats daily.  To see who has stopped by to read.  I really don’t care about comments, but readership seems to mean something.

And I’m not liking the direction this desire is leading.  The Mind begins its litany, “Well 11 people have read this blog today; I might as well give it all up” or “wow, it’s a high count of 64 readers!  This must be worthwhile…”  The Mind begins its analysis by determining worth by external circumstances.  And we all know we’re bound to be unsatisfied if we attempt to depend on others for our happiness.

My new friend Baker (Hi Baker!) who is a seasoned wordpress blog-writer with a large audience is helping me through this Crisis of Readership.  He said that for the first six months he had zero hits consistently.  He advises writing because it feels right, because you enjoy it.  Readership will grow. 

And, you know, I know that.  But sometimes we need to hear it from others.  They provide a mirror which says, “Just keep doing what you love.  Would you do this if there was zero readership?”

The answer is Yes.  I will go outside for the sake of learning about the outdoors, for the opportunity to learn the language of leaves in trees.  To craft sentences about birdsong.  To feel the icy pellets of snow against the cheeks. 

The sharing will happen because it feels good to share.  We’ll let the internal voice that desires readership to express itself, but we’ll remind it what really counts, what existed as the desire birthed. 

As everyone is making resolutions today, remember this.  The honeymoon of your enthusiasm may dwindle in a week or two.  That’s when we begin to see ourselves more clearly and to ascertain some mixed motivations that perhaps threaten to collapse our intentions.  That’s when we need to peer more deeply inside ourselves and see what might be limiting our manifestations.  Don’t be afraid to look deeply.  You might be amazed what you’ll find.

Happy 2009 dear reader!